I wish I could bring this addiction to an end. I wish I could resist without it. I wish it stops but it goes on. I felt awkward, I knew it was unlawful, I knew it was a sin but I was addicted. I still feel the filth, I still feel that pain but I couldn’t complain as I was the one who fell to this extent. I called it charming. I thought it was love. I was wasted – addicted to guilt.
It all started from the very age of puberty. Back in 2013, I was a 15 years old ordinary girl, Mayra with an ordinary life. I always feared to do things which other teenage girls of my age do. My mother always taught me to be aware when meeting strangers and to never trust anyone. I wish I would’ve obeyed her. I used to make imaginary friends and spent hours with them until my mom came back home from work. Everything was going in a flow as it used to until I laid my eyes on someone I can never forget. It was the very first time I devoted myself fully into something. It was as if I jumped into the sea not knowing how to swim – I liked a guy.
He had a moderate height, maybe an two inches taller than me, broad shoulders. He looked so handsome and charming with that light golden brown beard on that fair complexion. His deep champagne colored eyes with long lashes sunk my heart. Sheryaar; was much more attractive than I can describe.
I tried to approach him but didn’t know how to. He was my class fellow but I could reach to him directly because I was scared and shy. I never wanted him to think me as any other girl. I stalked him on Facebook. Added his friends and then one day, it all started with a poke.
We became friends on Facebook and started talking on there. We used to talk all day. I still remember those tickles in my tummy whenever his name appeared on my screen. The panic attacks I got when my internet connection got disrupted. Those late night heart-to-heart talks. I felt much more than falling in love with him. His polite nature, his funny attitude, his insecurities, his little moments of happiness, all of them made me so involved in him. A friend of mine knew that I liked Sheryaar. She forced me to meet him. She took me to a cabbage town. It was not safe to walk there alone at night. I met Sheryaar and he dropped me home as it was the mid of night. Sheryaar has always been so humble and cute. He texted me later that night “it was nice being with you, see you soon again.” I was so damn happy. I thought it will go as I’ve dreamed so far until he met a girl who was of course more beautiful than me. His sudden attention towards Hira made me jealous. They got so much involved in each other and at the end, started a relationship. I and Sheryaar were still in contact. I used to act cool but I knew I was jealous. I prayed that they get apart; I prayed to get Sheryaar back. I wanted him all.
Soon, after some months I heard about their break up by a mutual friend. I got happy because all I prayed was to get Sheryaar. We started talking daily like we used to. Then that awaiting day came at last. The day which changed my life forever. It was 2 in the morning and 23rd of July. Sheryaar had my phone number but we never talked on calls. We were having a general talk on facebook. The suddenly, I got a call from him. My hands started to shiver as I was shy enough. I thought it would be rude if I ignore his call so I picked it up. I kept silent and he said “h” twice and then took a pause for 2 to 3 seconds and said, “You know I called you to tell you something. Tell you that you are so pretty and you were so attractive to me from the day we first talked. The way you talk, the way you laugh and the most important – caring. The way you care about me…I can’t explain my feelings… I just wanted to say…that I love you and I’ll always do. Will you be my…my wife? My future wife? Will you like to be called Mrs. Sheryaar?” I was full shattered. I didn’t know how to react. I ended the call and sat on the sofa right next to the wooden table in my kitchen – drank water and sat in silence. I of course wanted to say yes but I was confused, I was panicked, I was happy and blank at the same time. I couldn’t believe that the guy I chased, the guy I always wanted proposed me. I was sitting there in silence and didn’t know when I slept. I woke up in morning at about 9 and the first thing I did was texting a sorry message to sheryaar and accepting his proposal. Now, we were together. I thought this was my life. I loved the way he cared. I still remember the day I was out with my family and didn’t talked to him the whole day and I got 35 messages from him and about 18 missed calls. Every woman chases attention. I didn’t have to chase it. He always made me feel special. I thought this is the magic of until we removed our limitations and broaden our boundaries.
One night, he came to my house. It was the first time we met after our relationship started. I was so confused. We sat on the stairs leading to the entrance of my house but it was so cold that we couldn’t sit there for a long time so the meeting was not for so long. I walked with him till the end of the street. I couldn’t forget his gaze and the way he hugged me. I felt as if I was wrapped around my world. We hugged for so long and then he went, promising me to meet again soon. Although I wanted him to hold me for much long. The feeling was out of the ordinary, so baffling and so odd at the same time. I dreamt of being with him every night. Now, whenever I closed my eyes, I saw his glance and our last meeting. Now, this part of my life gave me a hope that someone really cares about me, someone really loves me. I sighed a sigh of love. I recently read a quotation, “The first sigh of love is the last of wisdom.” I wish I had an interest in reading so I could get this quotation a bit earlier.
Everything was going good. We planned to meet again. Weeks later, we met. It was a windy night. The street lights were off and it was too dark. We were standing side by side near a tree. I started feeling butterflies the moment he held my hand and made me walk next to him. That moment was so special for me. I never held a guy’s hand before. I was so happy and so confused. It was winter and it was freezing out there so I invited him to my house. I took him to my room from the back door which lead to it directly. He sat on my study table and I was sitting on the chair. We were talking about how we started talking on facebook and made fun of it. Hours passed by and now it was 4 a.m. he had to leave because it was way too late and my mother was about to wake up to offer Fajr Prayer. He, as usual told me that I am beautiful and held me near – grabbing my waist he pulled me towards himself and put my head on his chest. The feeling was out of the ordinary. I could stay there for the whole night. I still don’t know whether it was love or just a desire. Unintentionally, I grabbed his hair and he slightly moved his hands from my waist to neck and grabbed it. We kissed for the very first time. The more he kissed, the more I loosen the grip I had on his hair. We took a break. I was breathing so hard. He had a seductive voice. I still can feel the warmth of his mouth when he spoke to me while hugging me. He kissed my forehead in a lustful manner; I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of his lips on my forehead. He went off. It was an awkward situation but I was happy. The feeling was so new and so exciting. I called it love. I still remember the first touch. I still feel his warmth. I still smell his scent on my clothes.
After this night, Sheryaar got more involved in me. We used to meet every night when everyone was asleep; he used to come to my house. Every time he got closer I got insecure though I loved him but I didn’t know about sexual desires. I just wanted him in every sense. I wanted him all and I got him. He always made tough situations that I lost my mind. I fell a prey for him. Sheryaar captured me in a way through which I never wanted to get away. But time by time everything changes. Then came my birthday, I was so happy to see him at exact 12 o’ clock outside my house holding a cake. I couldn’t forget the smile he had on his face. I invited him inside the house. We cut the cake together and it was the best birthday ever till now. But what happened next still counts in the guilt list. I was so damn happy that I enthusiastically ran to him and hugged him so tight. I closed my eyes with a smile and thanked him for doing all this. He hugged me back for a while and then kissed my neck with those warm lips and started licking my chin. The warmth of his tongue turned me on. I was ready to do it all that night. I never loved anyone so much.
Time passed by, we had no contact for three days. I was worried and thought he might be worried as well. So many questions were popping in my head. And the doubt starts… One night, he came with that usual smile on his face. I was acting so weird. I wanted to question him about my insecurities. I tortured him the whole night by speaking out my mind. I said “You don’t really love me; you just come to do stuff like this.” He listened all the shit I have to say and stood quiet. That night, he went back disappointed.
He didn’t contact me for a week. I really felt bad and texted him a sorry message. Everything was fine soon. We were back the way as we were. He came to my place again. We sat on the stairs of my kitchen for half an hour. It was cold so we went to my room. He was standing next to my room’s window and I next to him. I don’t know how we started being touchy while talking, It all started with a touch of our “hands”. He held my hands – crossing his fingers with mine and pushed me to the wall next to the window. He crossed his legs with mine – squeezed himself into me. My heartbeat raised and my breath became warmer. It was warm for a passionate kiss this time. I couldn’t control. I was super-hot. He began to seduce me. His hands were in my shirt. He grabbed my back and kissed my lips so hard. I still feel his touch, the warmth of his lips and his ways of turning me on. He slowly moved his hands upwards and loosens up my bra. I held his neck tightly and just fell on him. He again pushed me to the wall and this time he rushed into me. He moved his hands to my abdomen. He put his hands inside my pants and rubbed down there. It was a sign. A sign for sex. He then started to loosen my shirt’s button and took my pants off. I tried to lower his pants but my hands were shivering. I could feel his breath as he kisses my collar bone. I still remember those love bites I had on my lower neck. He then grabbed my thigh and sits on the wood stool grabbing my ass. He makes me sit on his lap. I didn’t know what he’s going to do next. I was sweating. He stared at me for few minutes and then left. I felt something new but strange. I couldn’t forget his touch. The first touch. I wanted it more.
Days passed by, I was being curious to talk to Sheryaar as he didn’t contact me since last time we met. His interest in me got less. We didn’t talk the way we used to talk. I called him on his cell phone and it was switched off. I got worried. I called him again for about 2 to 3 times but it was still off. I instantly login to my Facebook account and opened his chat box and it said…”you cannot reply to this conversation”. He blocked me. I got super tense. Now, my doubts were turning to vision. I could see that all he wanted was my body not me. Being in a relationship for 3 years without any goal. I cried all night. I didn’t know what to do at the moment. I texted a friend, Yusuf, who was also a friend of Sheryaar. I told him that Sheryaar isn’t picking up his phone and that he didn’t contact me for so long. He consoled me. I cried as much he consoled me. He used to call me many times a day to know if I’m okay or not. Our friendship became much stronger than before. But I was still waiting for sheryaar to come back. Yusuf forcefully asked my address and passed a joke to make the conversation go normal. Yusuf was a good friend as well as a big flirt.
One night, without informing me, he came to my house. I got panic and rushed outside to see him. He acted cool, for a while, we stood and talked under a tree in front of my house where I and sheryaar used to meet. But it was a cold night of January. We couldn’t stay outside for too long so we went inside. I took him to my room. He – without hesitating lay on my bed, covering himself with a brownish woolen blanket. I found it weird but I sat on the corner of my bed. We were having a general talk. I had no feelings for him as I was still waiting for Sheryaar because I knew it was a random fight and he will come back to me. It was 2 a.m. and I really wanted Yusuf to leave because I was sleepy. Slowly and steadily he started dragging me in the blanket. I tried to stop him but he forcefully dragged me inside. I thought it was normal till now but what he did next was terrifying. He held my hands tightly and tied them with a cloth and jumped up on me – laid on me. He tried to rape me. I tried to stop him but he didn’t. I shouted, “I love Sheryaar, leave me alone!” “Oh don’t worry we won’t let Sherry know this”, Yusuf replied. I couldn’t stop him. So I compromised and he untied my hands and calmly took off my shirt. Yusuf’s always been dirty of eyes. He gazed my lower neck – licking his lips. He slowly came near and kissed my neck wildly. I could feel my blood rushing through all my body veins. I held his T-shirt so tight that it teared. He then put it off and loosens his jeans belt. He moved his hands all over my body. And then he put his middle finger inside my pants. He pulled my pants down. His harsh touches all over my body turned me on. I could never even imagine having sex with my friend, but I did. He just rushed into me. I was sweating already. He kissed me all over. He holded me so tight and licked my every soft part of body. He licked down too. Actually he knew how to turn on a girl. We had complete sex that night. I was bleeding with pain. It was a horrible night. I cried an ocean of tears after this incident. I wasn’t the same Mayra anymore who loved her guy, Shery. I knew I cheated on him. I was guilty.
We did it all over and over again. We did it in routine. I got addicted. But I knew I was in a relationship with Sheryaar. I called him and this time he picked it up. Sheryaar didn’t let me say a word and apologized me for not contacting me and compensated it with some lovely words. I was shattered. My intentions were to end the relation. I cheated on him and I couldn’t live with him with guilt inside me. So, I told him that I don’t want this relation anymore and ended the call – switched my mobile off. I was with Yusuf now although he never claimed me as his girlfriend. He might call it a “sex relation”. Now, I was addicted to Yusuf and he only wanted sex. And we had sex 18 times in a month. I was addicted to his touch, addicted to his everything – addicted to sex. I was 18 years old now. Time passed so quickly.
One day yusuf came to meet me and acted so strange and went earlier. I wondered if this is ourlast meeting and then he’s gone forever. I had this fear, had this doubt. But I couldn’t complain about it as he never called me his girlfriend. I don’t know why I was wit him. I couldn’t live away from him but it wasn’t love. It wasn’t what I felt for sheryaar. It was addiction. Addiction to sex.
He was on my mind all day all night.
I waited 3 weeks for Yusuf and now I couldn’t control myself. I wanted sex. I tried to approach him but failed. I cried an ocean of tears again. Yusuf left, without letting me know. My addiction stays the same. I’m still waiting for him. On the other hand, I’m guilty. I know I’m guilty and I’m in all my senses but still I’m so addicted to him. I text yusuf every night before I go to bed. I miss him. I miss the way he treats me. His harsh touches, his angry eyes and his sweat smell. I’m just addicted to what I can’t have completely In my life. At one moment I have all I wanted and the next moment I lose everything. I had him, I have him and then I lost all. He only comes to abuse and tells me that I’m the ugliest girl left on this planet. I’m all alone now. And I still wait for him and I know he will come back to me but not for me, not for Mayra but for Sex. Because it was all he ever wanted. And it goes on….
- Written & Narrated by | A dot