All I needed was an answer from you. Instead, you called me a psycho. I was always sorry for feeling too much, for expressing too much, for loving too much and I guess calling me a psycho was the only way you felt better about yourself; a defense so you could sleep better at nights.
Perhaps all I needed was a proper closure to us, a text from you to let me know that even if it ended, it was special and it was something real that it actually happened.
You clearly knew how much I overthink small things, and how much it hurts when people leave without a proper closure.
You knew I was going to be hard on myself. You knew I was going to think that it was me. You knew I would think that I pushed you away and it was all my fault. Seeking for an answer, little did I know I had the answer. I was just too afraid to accept it.
Too afraid to accept the reality that there’s nothing left between us. Too afraid to accept the fact that you don’t love me anymore. Here I am, with tears in my eyes and then there are you with your cold eyes. Why did you have to change? Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to make me see all the pretty dreams? Deep down I knew you were just another satan disguised as an angel. Deep down I knew what were you capable of and still I let you enter my life. I still gave to the hold of my life and myself. I knew everything maybe that wasn’t your fault at all. Maybe it was me. It was me to trust too much, love too much, give too much and never expect anything in return other than your care. Underestimated my self respect to make you happy. See it was all my fault. It was always me. This is where did I go wrong.
I went wrong when I loved you more than I loved myself. I went wrong when I compromised over your abusing and your harsh words. I went wrong when I believed your excuses even though I knew the truth. I went wrong when I gave you the second chance to destroy my life. I went wrong everywhere. But most of all, I went wrong when I expected you too change. Perhaps you’re right. I asked for too much. Loyalty was too much for you to give.
Yeah at a point it broke me. Deep down it hurt me a lot. It made me cry a lot. I accept, it gave me depression and anxiety. My heart broke. Probably, this was what you wanted. Men like you always like to see women crying and twisting in pain. It wasn’t your mistake, you were raised like that. Seeing me in pain made you happy. I remember how you watched me drown and you did nothing. You screamed how imperfect I was while I was drowning. Drowning deep down…. begging and crying for help. And it made you feel good about your pride. I was always good for your ego. You were thirsty for attention and I was a nectar. You quenched on me. It wasn’t your fault. I let you do it. My pain made you feel good about your miserable life.
But then I made a promise to make myself happy.
Here I am now. Alive and happy. Living a perfect life. Penning down everything. I let you down. I let you down when I stood up for me. I let you down when I made myself a priority. I know I let you down when I made happiness for myself. I let you down when I stopped begging for your attention. I let you down when I was genuinely happy. I let you down when I started to find peace in a home I made out of myself. I know it hurt you a lot. I hurt you a lot when I stopped doing all the things for you. I hurt you when I loved myself instead of you.
I picked myself up when you broke me. I picked every little piece of my heart and put it back in place. It took a lot of time, a lot of courage. But I managed to do it. The cravesses of my heart still bloom flowers. But see, I did it. Without you. I realized the most important person in my life is me. So I made myself a priority. I made myself happy. I never realized what loving yourself is. Its the most important thing in life. You made me see it, after all. Its all because of you. If you hadn’t put me in this position I would have never discovered my inner peace. I am glad that I met you for that I am now a strong girl who loves herself. Its all because of you that now I know what happiness feels like. I became my own hero. You made me my own hero.
I am sorry that I let you down.
I am sorry that I am not what you want anymore.
I am sorry you couldn’t love me anymore.
I am sorry that I made myself happy.
I am sorry that the crown on your head fell.
I am sorry that you are nothing to me now.