My whole academic life I have been a brilliant student (as said by my teachers). I have always got a great result. I still remember the day I had got the first position in first grade. Even until 6th grade, I didn’t get any, because the competition was very tough. I always had the fourth position. My grades fluctuated from 80’s-90’s yet no position. My parents never ever told me to get the first position. Then I reached seventh grade and I upped my game and got the third position, the second position.
In eighth grade, I got the first position throughout the three terms. I got 1st position in ninth grade but then a lot of new students joined and my position dropped suddenly. I again landed in the fourth position. Now I was slowly getting upset by this event. My parents never said anything too rash but my teachers eventually did. Aik tou Cambridge course parha tha 8 class tak, ooper se rattay ki adat nahi thi.
It was matric part-1, which is obviously deemed as very important, so naturally, everybody told me that I should get great marks. The position was never mentioned but I was told I must get at least 85%. I worked my butt off. My ninth grade result came and it was 81%. It was okay. Many students told me that I was just being plain ungrateful because these were great marks, but they didn’t know how much pressure it was on me as I am the eldest of four sisters.
Then came tenth grade and I worked even harder. 463/550. Not bad. Slight improvement, but not good enough because I was still behind the target.
And then my dreaded intermediate part 1 started. I only managed to get 60-70%. Never failed any class. Studied all night, and all day. Math’s practice was every day. In my send up exams, I got 85% which was a really, really, really big achievement for me. I was 100% sure I would get 90+ in my board exams though. My first-year result came. I expected to see a 91% on the result sheet or at least 85%. 383/550. I looked at the mobile screen again. My tears started falling. My own expectations had killed me.
In part 2, I actually went into depression. I didn’t want to study, I didn’t want to get up from my bed even. I couldn’t go to sleep at night because I over thought EVERYTHING. In the day I would be very sleepy and tired. My room was always messy because I never wanted to get up and clean it. I struggled very much. I distanced myself from my friends. And then there was my Pakistan studies teacher who hated my guts. In short, my life was hell. Just because I had high expectations of getting great grades. And in actuality, my score wasn’t that bad. 71% was okay. But I had let it get inside my head. After I had given my board exams I felt a great relief. But I still wasn’t at peace. But a sentence roamed inside my head “JO HOTA HAI BHALLAY KE LIYE HOTA HAI”
So the day arrived when my result was to come. I was at my chacha’s house. I was up awake till 2 am. Then my chacha suggested we play Ludo to cheer me up. We slept at 4 am. In the morning when I saw my result, it was 783. 3 marks had increased in the first year when I got the papers rechecked. A grade. 71%.
For the first time in the four years of high school, my eye brows came down. Otherwise, I had them raised 24/7 as if I was in extreme tension or as if I was very confused and sad.
So a lesson to those who are reading this; don’t expect too much from yourself even if no one else is. Don’t stress yourself too much that you dive into the dark pits of depression. Depression is a real thing and anything can trigger it. Even though I have recovered a lot but still there are times when I seep into depression. Grades are important but not more than your health is.