Today, they tease me for my boy cut. Being in the older teenage years, it’s rare to see a girl so girly with a haircut like mine, I understand. Guess what is a little more rare? A girl still breathing with the story similar to mine.
About a 100 scars, that I no more hide. 3 times of suicide attempt, that I am no more ashamed of. A hair cut to change my identity and the appearance that couldn’t ever please him, a family of mine who ruined the bits in me, today… I could say, I loved him and I am no more ashamed of it.
He is my cousin, and also the prince charming the little doll in me used to dream of. We were friends but of a different type. A week, he would be the closest person to me and treat me like an angel, but by the next, he would run away. Block me every where and show me no respect no care. Yet I fell, for the 7 days of care he showed, I just fell in love so much that I was blind to the disgusting mankind acts he did.
Getting closer to him I started to avoid my surrounding completely. My family, my friends, everyone and every possible thing. Within him, I started dreaming of my beautiful world until he decided to stop “being friends” and started with his rude behavior once again. This time, he did not just leave me as being a friend, in fact knowing that I had created my world in him, he left me to a universe I had been running away from. Completely alone.
I would sit in the corner of my classroom with my earphones plugged so neither does anyone try interacting me nor do I urge to interact. I started avoiding life, avoiding school, sleeping for 16 hours straight, losing hunger and losing any potential to life… I had started losing myself and this is when I realized, he had the keys to completely ruin me. I had madly fallen in love with him, and there was nothing that could have helped.
As time had just started passing, he contacted me just to let me know that he was in love with someone else. Ouch ! Yes that hurt. After giving him everything he returned with this ? Of course it hurt but I was ready to help him out with his relation ship. In fact i tried to help him with my best but he told me to stay out as he was afraid that girl did not have interest in him and he would just lose the chance if I try to speak.
He could’ve just chosen me. I would’ve given him everything. All the love he ever wanted, all the fantasies.. all the happiness. But he said, this is not a movie… how could I explain… I would have given him rather the best movie he could have ever imagined of. But he didn’t, he didn’t chose me and that day… that day i sat under the shower trying to feel the emotions i was left with. But i couldn’t.. i was numb. He had killed me.
I wanted to feel myself, so I constantly repeated this mistake. I started bleeding myself. With every new scar I would create, my mind would sense this voice “deeper” and I would cut. Again. Again. Again. Uncountable scars on my body but still not the amount of pain I suffered with his harshness.
He wouldn’t respect me ever, not even to the realization that I was family. I wonder why? Just because I loved him ? Because I wanted him to have the best and happy life ? because I wanted to create a dream world of us both and give him every bit of happiness I ever could ? Was loving him more than the universe could carry… my fault ?
My thoughts, my suffocation, my screams, they would kill me. I started to have critical health issues to a point where the doctors said if my health doesn’t improve I would lose my ability to walk. Day by day, the pain kept killing me. The physical stress and the emotional burden.. I was tired. I did not want to exist. All the possible medications that could come in my hand, I took them that night. Just to finally have a peaceful never ending sleep.
I woke up after a few days in an unrecognizing room with pipes and drips all wrapped around me… my family looking at me with the suspicious looks.
I wasn’t a sweet girl anymore. They had seen my scars and I couldn’t hide any of it for even a moment longer. I told them, how heart broken I had become and that I needed support and I needed them to help me.
But he wouldn’t accept that would he ? So he publicized our conversations that were a year older telling people how desperate I was, so they would doubt my character and what’s left behind ? I cut. I bleed. I die every single moment and he? He’s breathing just fine.
So maybe loving him… ? It’s not just a mistake… its a death path.