I still remember the dress she was wearing, I still remember how her hands were dazzling through her hair, and I still remember the sensation that was ignited in my heart when I first saw her in the university. A sensation that I had never felt before, a sensation that made me believe, that today I have found the factual purpose of my birth. Perhaps she could have been the reason why my soul decided to cast itself out of Eden. “Yes!!! She must have been the reason, why my soul must have bolstered to come to this ferocious world or what else striking reason could have been to leave Eden?” I asked all these questions to my conscience. The only answer that I got from my conscience was, “Yes you are right she is the reason for coming to this hell.” It was perhaps the first time; my conscience was agreeing with me.
I can never explain the delight I had in my heart; when I first saw her in my class. Perhaps this was another sign from Allah, that she is the sole instrument of my enchantment in this hell. It took us three month to become best-friends. Soon after that we two were something more than best friends, we both talked to each other every day. I remember how she used to wait for me outside the class, how she used to talk about things she liked, and how she told me jokes that weren’t even funny, but I still laughed on them. I still remember all that, I just wonder how? She was the first women from her family to study in a university. Many people in her family told her father that he was making an immense mistake, which will haunt him for the rest of his life. Her father had such trust in her that he neglected all those visions that people made about his daughter and decided to give his daughter a chance. Those were the reasons why she had such respect for her father, that I might not be able to describe in words. Soon after my graduation, I purposed her. She told me that, she can only marry me if I can persuade her father that, I am the right guy for her. She told me to come to her house and ask her father for her hand.
I did as she told me. I met her father, he seemed like a nice person first. He asked me what did I do for living? What was my caste? What did my parents do for a living? And some other questions like these. After this he gave me wolfing look and told me that he cannot allow his daughter to marry a man, who belongs to a low caste family such as mine. I was disappointed I couldn’t say anything and I decided to leave at once.
After this occurrence, I called her and asked her to meet me at the coffee shop. When she came there, I told her that we should do a court-marriage and after this marriage, there is no force in this world which could separate us. After hearing this, she looked at me like I was a stranger whom she has known for centuries.
“My father trusted me.” She said in a raging voice. “He made me a role model in my family, for the first-time my relatives are allowing their daughters to study in universities and colleges, it’s all because my father made them believe that, a girl can stand beside a man with the same pride, that a man has in his heart.”
“What about me and what about our love?” I asked her.
“Our love?” She told me. “Our love is not more precious than the future of my seven sisters, who are yet to complete their university degree, and not precious than the sense of trust that my father has created among his relatives for their daughters. You want me to ruin all those valued things that my father did for me and my family?”
“There is no other way.” I told her in an unsatisfactory voice.
She gazed me for minutes, as I have stolen the most precious thing from her and then finally she replied. “I cannot believe that I fell in love with such selfish guy. Who is willing to dishonor me in front of my whole family just because he thinks he cannot live without me. I am sorry I cannot marry you!!!, I am sorry I cannot go against my father’s will, I love him more than I love you!” Saying this she left the coffee shop.
After this I went back home and locked myself in my room. I warped myself inside the blanket and started crying. I wanted to scream as loud as I can but I could not. Because I still feared what my siblings will think about me. I started asking my conscience, who should I blame for this agonizing pain I am feeling inside my heart. Should I blame myself? Should I blame Allah for making me love her? Should I blame Allah for giving me so many signs to believe that she was freshly forged out of heaven just for me. This thing happened every night. I used to ask myself the same question that whom should I blame for ruining my life? By the time, I got my senses back she was married to that beast.
One of my friend showed me her wedding pictures. I gazed at her picture in that red dress for hours. After seeing her smile, in probably thousands of those wedding pictures. I just asked myself did she ever love me? I saw her groom, he was a hundred times better than me, he was hundred times wealthier than me. All I could tell myself that time was that, her father had finally found the perfect man for her. A man she always deserved. A man that I could never become. He was a robust tall and fair looking guy. No women could have ignored him. Perhaps Allah does favor to people born in a highborn caste I thought at that time. After that I stopped praying to Allah. There was nothing left in this world for me. I started feeling like a prisoner living in a hell, accused of a far worse crime than murder, that was loving someone. It took me months to get control of my senses.
I had started my own business with the help of my brother and after that we moved to Sialkot. I knew she lived in Sialkot with her husband. The only thing I feared after moving to Sialkot was seeing her again. I had made many new friends after moving to Sialkot. Almost all those new friends claimed they were associated with high caste families. Most of these friends were alcohol addicts. I had never tasted that thing in my life, but I thought it might be a custom in higher caste families to drink, so I never bothered to warn them that its haram. One day my friend called me and told me that he is throwing a party in his factory and I must come. It was there, when I first met that monster who ruined her life.
I remember when I entered the hall of that factory. There were four people sitting there at that time. One of them was that monster. He had a glass of liquor in his hand. My friend introduced me to all those people sitting there. I sat beside that monster. Suddenly one of the guy, sitting there showed everyone a picture of a woman and said I am going to score her tonight. Hearing this the monster replied, “You can never beat my score, as you know my wife isn’t home today. So, I called someone special tonight to entertain me, and even if my wife was home we all know she couldn’t do anything to stop me.” Saying this he started laughing. I once heard someone saying that every villain is the hero of his own story and there he was a villain pretending to be the hero of his own story. Two minutes after this everyone was telling how they treated their wives. Suddenly the monster opened his mouth and he used such words to describe her body that, even a pimp couldn’t have used to describe his whore. He was bragging how he used her, how he uses her every night, however he wants.
I could not listen to that filth and I decided to leave that place. It had been almost two years since she was married to that beast. I never called her, after she told me that she could not marry me. I never wanted to talk to her again, because I simply did not want to ignite the feeling that I once had for her. That feeling, which I once buried deep inside my heart, after bearing such pain that I can never define in words. I stopped praying to Allah after she was married to that monster. It was that night I cried again, I laid down my head for prostration, I prayed to Allah again. The praying was not about me, it was about her. What kind barbarity she must have endured in these two years. “I shouldn’t have let her marry that monster, I should have stopped her, I should have tried harder. The sorcery she is bearing right now is all my fault.” I told myself. I started praying to Allah again. I used to cry every night again just for her. Just to ask Allah to help me save her from that monster.
One day, my brother asked me to take his wife to the hospital, she wasn’t feeling well. It was there at the hospital, I saw her again after two years, she was as beautiful as she was when I first saw her. The Same feeling started kindling inside my heart, that was once washed away by the ocean of tears that I had carved inside my heart. When she gazed at me, tears started coming out of her eyes. She just gazed at me, like she wanted me to free her from a prison she has been living in for eternities. After that she just went away without even saying any word. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to stop her but I could not. Because I knew I could not save her, I didn’t have the power to save her. For the first time, I felt such helpless, such useless. I started wondering why she was crying and why she was here. Was she sick, she looked well to me, what could have been the reason to come here. I could not control myself and went into the room from where I saw her coming out. I asked the doctor why was she here. The doctor told me that she was here for the abortion. She does not want a girl.
After hearing this, that she does not want a girl. I started remembering those memories of her which she shared with me Once. Those memorise in which she always talked about having a girl. In which she always talked about how cute baby girls are. In which she always pronounced her feeling for having a girl. That’s the only desire of her that I remember. Talking about which, gave her such joy that I could have easily seen on her face. Joy beyond words. After this I tried to meet her. I followed her but the beast never let her go out alone. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know the reason behind her tears? Luckily, the monster went out of country for some business trip and I finally got the chance to meet her in a burger shop. She was sitting there alone waiting for her food to be served. I went to her and asked her how she was. A faint smile brushed through her lips, but still she could not stop the tears from her eyes. I knew what those tears meant. I looked at her hands there were some marks on them, it was clear that the beast had given her those marks by burning cigarette on her body. I couldn’t even imagine how many scars she was hiding behind that faint smile of hers. But her tears could not help her hide her pain.
“After all the pain, he is giving you why are you still living with him.” I asked her.
“Who told you that?” She replied derisively.
“Those tears in your eyes and those scars on your arms that you are constantly trying to hide?” I told her.
At first, she remained quiet and then after few seconds she broke her silence and said. “I am still there where I was two years ago, I talked to my father about this but he could not help me, he still has 7 daughters to wed. I must bear this monster. My father is right. If I got divorce from this monster, my sisters won’t find a good life partner. Allah wrote this fate for me and this is the fate I have to endure now.”
“this time I won’t let you do the same mistake you made before.” I told her in a pertinent voice.
Hearing this she got up from here chair and started walking toward the door. While she was going, she replied. “I always wished I was a selfish person. I could have at least saved myself from this tyranny.”
I grabbed her from her arms. I didn’t care what people would think. The only thing I wanted at that time was to hold her in my arms. “I will protect you.” I told her furtively. “You are coming with me. I am taking you far away from this hell. I won’t let you ruin your life anymore because of your father and sisters.”
She forced my hand away from her arms and replied in a threating way. “If you ever tried to do any stupid thing like this, I will kill myself.” She left saying this.
I can never decide whether she was hurting herself or me. I tried to convince myself that it’s her life, let her ruin it. But I could never persuade my conscience to forget her. The only thing I couldn’t understand at that time was, that how could her father abandon her. The man who once gave her such wings to fly, how could he cut those wings. He once vowed to protect her and now he leaves her in the hands of a monster to suffer for eternity. What has her marriage to do with her sister’s marriage? Why can’t the society understand that it’s not her fault that she was wed to a monster. And it wasn’t her responsibly to turn that monster into a man. These are the questions whose answers I am still trying to find?
I am still trying to convince her to leave that monster and come with me. I will still marry her. but I guess her father’s honor is more precious to her. More precious than the pain she must endure every day. It still gives me such grieve knowing that I had the chance to save her but I could do nothing.