Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night from the age of 9 to 14 even if it was not your mistake? Maybe you can and maybe you can not.
It was a just a normal day, I was at my uncle’s house there were some good times when I forgot about my childhood and thought about him, but life didn’t ever let me forgot what happened.
I went to the kitchen and what I saw made my blood run cold, I saw the same guy(cook) who made my life miserable and was doing the exact same thing he did to me and my little cousin and this time it was my 6 year old niece but again I thought I was too weak, I wish I had stopped him and the flashbacks started coming from the first incident to the last.
At my mother’s friend’s house their servant came close to me and did things to me which a 4 year old child would not understand, being a shy girl I didn’t ever speak up to my mother or sister neither did anyone notice, I myself ignored the thing happened to me and got busy in my little world. The next time again it happened and I let it happen, he took me with him I couldn’t understand how nobody noticed neither did I shout; so it happened another time and kept happening for a while until things changed.
My mother told me that we are going to Karachi soon, shifting from my hometown was a good news, a news I wanted to hear from an year but who knew destiny was taking me to a path nobody would ever want to go to; the path of darkness. I was happy that a change had happened in my life but this change was another test from God; maybe God wanted me to be very strong at a very young age but it felt like a curse. I don’t remember how it started but I do remember how many times and what exactly happened to me, I was playing hide and seek with my cousin brothers and their cook, my cousins went to hide without me I wish they had took me with them, so I and the cook were left, we had to find them but we didn’t, he took me with him upstairs and unclothed me under the open sky my body shouted but no tears came down maybe because I thought this is what life is, anyone can come and do whatever he wants to do with me because no one ever came for help. Another time I went to the kitchen and I shouldn’t have, he took me to his room, again unclothed me, my body didn’t shout this time it was already damaged enough; it didn’t have the power to shout or complaint anymore, there were plenty of times, once in the drawing room, in the store room, in his room a lot of times, almost everywhere where he got a chance; where he and I were alone which was a lot of times.
The time when I was supposed to play games and not care about life I saw the devil, in the cooks eyes, he was fearless and all consumed by lust.
2 years passed and I was his slave whenever he would call me I would go but then there was a time when I got a feeling that I am the only one who can save myself, so the next time he called me to his room I looked into his eyes and said no! when he couldn’t reach me he went to my little cousin and I saw him almost doing the same things he did to me but I couldn’t stop him I thought to myself I was too weak to help even though I could have helped. It stopped but these few years didn’t let me live a life a normal child would live,
Just a few months later we went to our village as we had holidays, I didn’t spend much time with my siblings and when I was with my friends I felt like everyone will know what happened and they’ll blame me for all that but that is not what God’s plan was, I went to our relatives house to meet them and one of the uncle took me with him to a room and locked and unclothed me he was about to come close and somebody knocked; I got saved but at that time it didn’t matter anymore to me.
Time passed on but the horrific dreams didn’t stop, I couldn’t sleep at nights, all the flashbacks came to me every-night. I cried almost for 5 years constantly every single night, I thought of myself as someone untouchable, someone who is not supposed to be happy, I blamed myself I kept it all inside me; the pain, the horrific dreams, thoughts, and it was killing me slowly, nobody got to know about it until I attempted suicide.