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4 Dec, 2013
Dear diary,
“Certainly, I am a bird who just learned to fly, but my heart is always at the edge of it’s cry…
it aims to find its nest where it can treasure love and comfort, without any sense of the world outside. Where I can lay down in the arms of peace and rest fall asleep my world in ease. Although I have just learnt to fly, my wings spread through my soul, asking for peace to die.”

I had my priorities straight and my ambitions all bright. I was an independent woman.
My life was not as I wanted it to be, certainly not the one I would fall in love with. Just say it in simple words, my life was a nutshell.

8 Jun, 2013, was the day I went for my 11th job opportunity as an actress lead role for a famous drama across the city. I was young when I had my interest in media and I always had good financial support from my step dad, Mr. Reyes, who was also a famous lawyer in town.
I could say that I didn’t really learn to care about anything since everything was either given to me without even asking or was taken away from me even if I begged.
Like for the fact, I was 8 when my parents died in a horrible traffic accident. My grandparents couldn’t afford me so they sold me for adoption. My childhood friend, Daniel Ford, or I would even say the love of my life, who knew me better than I did, the one who was my only support through every bad chapter of my life, declared his love for me at the age of 13. You could grin on me for that. I didn’t know the meaning of love, yes I would admit. But through every misery of my life he helped me, sheltered me, protected me, more of all respected me at every step. What else would any girl ask from the man of her dreams?
Well, for a while life did play safe with me. I was 17 when Daniel asked me to marry him. It was too early everyone said, but he wanted us to be legal with all our actions and he was ready with the list of his vows. At midst, it was drenching to my thoughts, what if he’s doing it for the sake of property Mr. Reyes would hand over to me after marriage. I knew Daniel better than anyone but has the society ever let anyone sleep in peace? I thought for a few days when Daniel came over to my house without informing me, I thought of it as a pleasant surprise until he told me he was here to first meet Mr. Reyes then me. I was wondering what all this would be about. They sat in the study room for exactly 45 minutes. Without allowing any of our servants to disturb and certainly kept me out as well.
My butterflies weren’t calm at all, my heart was at the peak of my throat and I thought the floor would drench me into itself just in a few seconds. I don’t know how to describe that feeling, nervous, shocked, happy, curious, on the 7th sky… all of it at once.
When Daniel came out of the room, I ran towards him unless my feet decided to freeze at the sight of my Dad who was right behind him. I smiled confusingly at both of them and I tried not to look too much into Daniels eyes, I wasn’t really that comfortable in front of Mr. Reyes. Yea, I didn’t even call him “dad”as such. Although he was really sweet and a humble gentleman, I just couldn’t ever get out of the bubble that I lost my parents and the 4th day I was sold by my grandparents to an unknown.
Well, at that moment of complete confusion and amusement at the same time, I gathered my words up and asked both of them “Dinner? I’m sure you guys would be hungry after so much of heavy talk, heh, let’s dine in? “
After a moment of pause, Daniel glanced into Mr. Reyes eyes, smiled at him, looked back towards me, came closer, kissed my forehead and said in his melodiously sweet voice, “no sweety, not today, I shall take my leave. Take care of yourself. I will call you later.”
Before I could digest his touch and his kiss in front of my dad, he left as the wind.
My dad smiled at me and grabbed my hand leading me towards the dining table where dinner was already served in platters. I was in shock again, what all was going on. Mr. Reyes didn’t ever lead me to the table like this before.
We sat down and started having our meals while in an awkward silence he finally spoke, “daughter, I know you suffered at a very young age with things even I won’t be able to understand, but let me tell you, this guy, he is the one. For you! You know daughter, I was worried that this man is in great hurry for having you at such a young age, I was doubting his intentions clearly… so I called him today to meet me. First impression, he didn’t tell you about the meeting. I was certainly Impressed. Second, I offered him a car as his marriage gift.he didn’t accept it. Impressed again. Third, I told him I was going to name the property on your names since I don’t have anyone after me but you, and so I wanted it to be on your names after me. Did you know what he replied with? “Mr. Reyes, I greatly respect you and I certainly know that you love Kate, but I have to admit this, I love a little more. I want her to be in my life so she can stop crying herself to sleep every night, so when she has the bad nightmares of her childhood, I could hold her in my arms and tell her that it’s all gone and she is safe, so that when she is in need of anyone, I would be there for her. I just want to make her honestly and eagerly happy. I want her to fly. I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or emotional but I want her to lead her grieves and be out of her anxiety bubbles and be a free bird. And I am a bit selfish here, her smile, her peace, her happiness… it makes me happy. It makes me want to love her more and Mr. Reyes, you may give your daughter whatever you wish, but from you, all I want is, your daughter.”

4 Dec, 2012… our wedding day. He was the perfect groom of my dreams, young and handsome, with his fair glowing pink skin, his brownish curly hair, his huge eyes that held the pious essence of a little kid, his rose petal velvety lips… everything from his appearance to his soul. Perfect.
But that’s the metaphor, life doesn’t like playing perfect does it ?
My wedding, we were holding each other’s hands, staring into each other’s eyes and deep down our dancing souls were enjoying every bit of it… when some political terrorist thought it was a good occasion to get their revenge from Mr. Reyes by taking away, all possible life’s present there.
My wedding was a blast. First ever blast in our town. Heh.
I lost Daniel, I lost Mr. Reyes, I lost the couple of friends I ever had… and I lost my soul that day.
“45 dead and 20 injured in the Blast last night in Milestone City Church on the wedding of Katherine Reyes, the Famous Mr.Reyes legal daughter”
Every news channel had the same crap repeating a thousand times, and every time I wished my name to be amongst the dead 45 rather the injured 20.
I wanted to quit, quit every bit of my breath and I wanted to vanish away in existence. Yet again life threw trash at me. For reasons I didn’t know until now.

As I had started speaking, I mentioned my 11th job opportunity.
I had moved to the city since I was highly frustrated due to media activities and I wanted to just get lost some where. Mr. Reyes had left enough property and bank accounts for me to spoil myself in this phase of depression and loneliness.
I took a good gap of 6 months to myself, until one morning I woke up to the voice of my dad echoing in my ears, reminding me of how Daniel wanted me to fly. For the sake of his love, I tried to get back my smile.
I was always interested in theatre. So I applied in a college of social arts and I worked hard to get my goals. I wasn’t happy yet but surely I was trying.
Later, I either got rejected or I either got roles I didn’t want to play from the past 10 applications I had sent. My 11th opportunity was a leading role for a female young actress in a historical drama series. I was sure that this could be my first step to my career.
That fine morning, things seemed to be perfect. I auditioned and they were happy with my working skills. And for once in a while, as everyone applauded, I genuinely smiled.
The co-director called me backstage and told me that they were sure they wanted to sign me up and they wanted my agreement and my signatures on some commercial papers. I knew I couldn’t take the risk of losing this chance so I went ahead and signed the papers.
4 months passed by and my drama had started airing on tv weekly. Audience loved it. Banners of me in a heavy metallic suit seemed to be found on every street board. I knew if Daniel was alive to see it, he would smile with utter happiness.

I was earning even though I didn’t really need money to survive, I was a working lady and my career was all settled. Everything seemed fine, only that I had to come back to an empty apartment. Which labeled no existence. Had no aroma of peace or happiness, just part of my past shadows that would follow, and as the night would get darker, my soul would scream out my lungs, my eyes would tear off to oceans and my body would reside to death…
Unseen, unheard, unknown… my miseries were always following me.

It was our 50 successful episode anniversary… when my co actor Mr. Zack Ryan, decided to propose me in a lavishing party of thousands, he decided to bow down to his knee and open up a pretty blue stoned platinum ring and ask me to marry him. He decided to ruin the party and feed the news.
The media rushed towards me with their lights, camera, mike, all surrounding me while I tried to control every inch of tear that was on the peak to scream out my soul. I rushed towards home. I locked up myself and ran to my room locking every door that came in hands.
I screamed. That night. I cried. All my bottled up emotions… we’re a burst of champagne that night. Every single word that I never wanted to hear again echoed in my ears and the room seemed to be a dark black ball where I was suffocating with my heart drenching distress.
I cried out every single pain of mine and I cried out every single inch of my soul that I had left. It was a storm within me I thought would take my pulse finally to its stop…

I didn’t show up to work for the next 5 days. I sat in my room remembering every single detail of my detached life, and I cried it all out.
It was a Sunday morning when my door bell rang, of course. With all guilt and shame in his eyes, Zack was standing at my door step. I didn’t want to open up but I wonder why my hands unlocked the door for this person.
Or maybe, I had finally unlocked the door for peace in my life”
Not in an appropriate manner, I asked him to get in.
“ So was my answer not clear enough or you want to create more headlines that you’ve made your existence at my door step.” I yelled.
“ Kate listen, I know my way was not appropriate, but my intentions were always clear, I still want to make it up to you, I don’t want to lose this gem.”
“What? Is this your silly bet with your friends that I will date Kate, or is this your way of getting famous through my name? Since when do you know me ? 5 or 6 months? Let me clear this, you don’t even know me and in fact if you’re saying you’re in love with me, let me put some light, you’re probably in love with the character I play. Get your thoughts off me. And you can leave now!”
“ Kate please listen to me…”
“ Would you leave without any further drama or shall I call the media so you can get highlighted?”
I turned away from him and for one last time pleaded him in a very rude manner to leave.
With a soft melodious voice, he pardoned my name again. This time, something after a long while, touched my heart. I couldn’t resist myself and I turned back. He was again on his knees, this time both.
He looked me in the eye… repeated his words, this time more maturely…
“Mrs. Katherine Daniel Ford, would you marry me? ”
I was stunned. How did he know… what was this role of life on me now… I stood in shock with tears in my eyes drooling all the way down… he bowed there staring me in the eye, and with every tear I dropped, he dropped.
“ yes, Katherine… I do know you. It’s not your fault Katherine. No one deserves to be bottled up for the rest of their lives due to mishaps that occurred in the past. Katherine, you ran from the town even I lived in. I knew your bond with Daniel, I knew how you guys were in love before even knowing what love means. I was in love too… with you. I watched you grow and break and die everyday Katherine… I made your dreams mine because for once I wanted at least to try for my love. I knew you wouldn’t recognize me ever since your eye never caught me, not in childhood, not today. But mine always did. I can’t bear see you suffer inside, your darkness kills my light… I want to hold your hand and allow you to see life and it’s beauty Katherine, I loved you even when you loved Daniel, and I love you even when I know you don’t love me.”

Moments later, we sat on my couch side by side, I was in tears and he kept apologizing for refreshing my wounds to me.
“ Zack, let’s take this in concern. I respect you for everything but Zack I love Daniel. My soul is eagerly living just to die to meet him soon, Zack I’m just a dead but existing soul now… you’ ll ruin your life while trying to figure out mine.”

I thought my answer was justified enough, and as Zack left without speaking another word, I thought to myself that I had done right. I couldn’t be selfish to my happiness and ruin another humans desires for my sake. Even though I thought things were fixed, that night I had a restless sleep.

The next morning, as I was getting ready for my morning jog, the door bell rang again. After all that happened I thought Zack wasn’t going to show up for a while, surprisingly he did, and in a great mood.
“Let’s go for a jog together?” He asked politely.
“Just as co actors and nothing else” I commanded.
“Of course mam, lets go then..” he replied.

We were in the middle of our jog when this bur bur head started with his silly questions.
“ You never were really this quiet Kate…”
“Are you asking me or are you telling me”
“Well I guess I’m… umm never mind”

We kept on jogging for a good half an hour till I was breathing at the peak of my lungs and I suggested him we should take our good byes.
“Well I picked you up practically from your place, wouldn’t it be polite if you offered your co actor a coffee? ”
“Alright sure, but just today. This won’t ever repeat again.”
At my apartment, while he sat down at the dining table watching me brew some coffee… he seemed to have the innocence of a child… just like Daniel did. Every time I had a glance at Zack, I had a glance of my past and I wanted to avoid it as much as possible.
I served him with coffee and some biscuits and sat beside him with my cup of coffee.
He kept on staring at me while my fingers tackled around my coffee mug.
He held my hand, even when I wanted to grab it back, I didn’t. For once I liked that someone had grasped my hand with so much of love.
“Kate, why are you punishing yourself”

“ I’m not punishing myself, I’m trying to stay happy, but I’m not ready to get married to you”

“ I’m not asking you to marry me right now, you have all your choices in front of you, I just want you to grab one and stay focused to happiness and peace with determination”

” I want to live. Yes, I do want to quit all my sorrows but… I find no reason to..” I grasped his hand back, tighter, looked into his eyes and bursted out all my emotions. For once I let my heart do what it wills.
“Zack I’m tired of this life. I don’t like being the dead Katherine that lost everything. I want to enjoy being the Kate who lives her dreams. But… Daniel, he was supposed to teach me fly, I don’t want to step ahead without him…” I bowed down in silent tears.

“Mrs. Katherine Daniel Ford, you’re already on your flight. You’re flying on your own and what’s better accomplishment than that? The fact that you’re not afraid of flying is enough to lead you ahead… let go of those hands that you held that day while taking your vows and let your soul fly away with the good memories to hold, not the tragedies to regret… give yourself a chance Kate… this time for your own self ”
Feb 18, 2016
Dear diary,
“today is my day diary, I am excited and I am nervous. I have practiced all my vows a thousand times but the butterflies in my stomach keep confusing me. I just hope, my wedding won’t be a blast this time”

That morning talk I had with Zack, it helped me a lot. Changed a lot of my insecurities into dust and helped me to take a fresh breath. For a few months we started jogging together and in fact we started becoming great friends. There was someone finally who I cared for and who cared for me, someone who I could share my loneliness with and thus I was feeling lively again. Around 8 months later of great friendship and career, Zack proposed me again, this time in private… and sure he did win a kiss from me.
No, I didn’t fall in love with Zack, I didn’t forget Daniel or I didn’t forget my love for him, I just realized that life doesn’t need love to be happy and live peacefully, it doesn’t need a whole big fat family, all it need it’s just on honest support to rely on even when eyes closed.
I realized that my little smile was making Zack incredibly happy, that innocent little kid under the suit of a gentleman, was really adorable and worth it. I didn’t know if I ever loved Zack, but surely I loved seeing him happy. His smile made me feel at peace and being around with him made me treasure time. Alas, I realized how Daniel had been in love me.

I realized, after every single heart break, after every terrible incident, I was not broken I was just shredded into my bubble of sorrows. Zack made me realize how important it was to come out of them and how important it was to touch life with a new…

“ You don’t need to fall in love to love life, you just need to learn to spread your light amongst the ones who love you, sooner or later, you’ll find the beauty of life and learn the depths of realistic and pious love.”

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